Darrian Part Eight: Remember
by HazelTree019
Summary: Darrian's past was always going to catch up with him. A Dragon Age: Origins piece. Darrian male PC elf/Zevran. "Darrian" is the first series. There will also be a "Zevran" series, designed to be read *after* this one. Disclaimer: All characters, places etc. belong to Bioware except Darrian who is all mine. "Remember" - sung by Josh Groban


I stood at the window, looking out over the roofs of the City. Oh, but Antiva was beautiful by a full moon. The cobbled streets were quiet; a candle burned in a window below me and a prostitute sheltered in a shadowed doorway. A feral dog trotted across the stones and disappeared round the corner. My breath misted on the cold glass.

Zevran shifted in his sleep. His striking blond hair shimmered in the moonlight that fell upon his face. The blankets had rucked up, baring his leg and the well-defined muscles in his thigh twitched as he dreamed. Tattoos curved over olive skin, rippling as his supple chest rose and fell peacefully. I turned back to the window, closing my eyes. I couldn't do this to him. He was perfect: everything I had ever wanted; he loved me more than I could ever have dreamt of, and I loved him just as much. I would give anything if it meant I didn't have to do this.

"Darrian?"  
I lowered my gaze, biting my lip as I turned my head half towards him. I heard him throw back the covers and tread swiftly across the room, slipping his hands around my waist, his naked form pressing against mine. He kissed my neck tenderly.  
"What is it, my love?"  
I swallowed.  
"I can feel it, Zev."

His fingers tensed and I felt his heart quicken against my back. I swallowed the sob that threatened to overcome me, and took a hold on the windowsill to stop my hands from shaking. He was holding his breath.  
"It's time."  
"No, _amor_. Just a little longer. _Please_."  
A tear trailed down my face as he buried his in my neck. One hand moved up to my shoulder, pulling me closer. I covered it with trembling fingers.  
"I'm sorry," I breathed. "I'm so sorry."

We stood in silence. He held me to him, ragged breaths at my neck. I slid my hand along his arm, stroking it as I stared blankly out of the window. Zev was shaking slightly. I felt sick. _Anything_…

It took all the strength I had just to turn and face him. I looked into his eyes and unguarded pain looked back.  
"The taint is taking me, _bellus_. I've tried, I really have, but I can't hold it back anymore. I don't want to die that way, become one of those things." I put a hand on his smooth cheek. "I don't want to hurt you."  
"You are hurting me."  
He closed his eyes, head dropping. I knew he had spoken before he could stop himself, but he was right. I kissed his brow softly.  
"I know. And I'm sorry."

He pulled me into a tight embrace and I circled my arms round him.  
"I…I can do it, but I need you there. I can't do this alone."  
He swallowed, his fingers steadying a little and shook his head. I waited.  
"No," he whispered hoarsely. "I pr- I promised. I…I will do it."  
I combed through his silky hair.  
"Thank you."

After a long moment, I pulled back from his hold, carefully removing his arms from round me. He whimpered the look in his eyes almost unbearable; he was so desperate for me to stay. But leaving him for even a second could not have been further from my mind. I took his hand and led him back to bed. We lay down, taking hold of each other once more. He took a deep breath, attempting to control the shake in his voice as he met my eyes with his. They were so beautiful.  
"Is there…anything you desire, _amor_?"  
I nodded.  
"One thing. A kiss from the man I love."  
"Then you shall have it."  
He reached out a slender hand, one fingertip touching my lip. Then he threw himself at me, his mouth meeting mine as we rolled over together: I onto my back, Zevran onto me. His tongue pushed in as deep as it could. My fingers twisted into his hair and I kissed him back fiercely. I needed him more than I ever had before, wanted to melt into him, become a part of him. His body curled onto mine as we made love. We looked into each other's eyes, breath hitching with sobs. His tears splashed on my cheek and I closed my eyes as I pulled him into the crook of my neck, unable to bear it.

I wanted to be even closer, closer than was possible. I wanted longer. I wanted to live, to be with Zevran until the passing of time took us gently and gracefully. Together. I didn't want to leave him. I didn't want to die.

He let out a sob against my neck as his hips moved, tears rolling over my skin. I held his head, stroking his hair, turning my cheek to press against his. We finished with a kiss that was deeper, more loving and more desperate than any we had ever shared.

"I love you, Zevran Arainai. I always will."  
He swallowed, his almond eyes damp, and he traced a soft thumb over the tattoo that curved round my right eye.  
"Always, Darrian Tabris. I love you."  
His voice was choked with tears. I took his waist and turned him gently onto his side. I brushed his hair from his face and neck, pressing a kiss to his brow.  
"Are…are you ready?"  
"Wait," He put a hand hurriedly on my wrist. "There is something I wish to say."  
"Okay."  
"I want to thank you. For everything you have done for me. When we met you could have killed me. I wanted you to. But instead you saved my life; you gave me a reason to live again. A reason to love again."  
I shifted closer, taking his face in my palm.  
"If you hadn't been there, fighting the archdemon would have killed me, one way or another. I only clung on because I knew I had someone to live for." I looked into his eyes. "And it was worth it."  
"You have been happy? You are glad we have lived this way?"  
I smiled gently.  
"Yes."

I placed a hand on his solid chest, feeling the fast beat of his heart, knowing it beat only for me. That heart would never be the same again. He closed his eyes and put his hand over mine, pressing against it. His head dropped and he looked as though he were wrestling with some gut-wrenching inner conflict. He looked up at me, his expression awful.  
"Why me, _amor_? Such a man could have had anyone he wished for, why was it me that you chose?"  
He had never asked me before. I thought, perhaps, that he had truly never known. That he was scared to know.  
"No matter what anyone said, I always trusted you. You understood me the way no one else did, always saw straight through me. You were always there for me, protected me, and looked so damn attractive while you did it."  
He smiled slightly, eyes warming despite himself.  
"You're funny, independent and clever, and you're not afraid to say what you think. You're not afraid of your own feelings."  
He stroked my cheek.  
"Neither are you."  
My voice was barely above a whisper now.  
"You were the only one I ever _wanted _to be with."

He leant forward and pressed a lingering kiss to my brow. My eyes closed with a whimper at his touch; the feeling of his body so close to mine, so strong, was…comforting. He'd be there, he'd stay with me. Right to the end. We huddled together, each looking deep into the other's eyes. My hand slid up his back, holding him as I tried to clear the lump from my throat.  
"Do-" I swallowed, my voice thick. "Do you remember the first time I sliced all the buttons off your shirt?"  
He nodded with a soft huff of breath.  
"Wynne was most unimpressed if I recall. She was muttering about lustful young elves for the whole day. Neither of us ever did master buttons."  
"That was a good fight."  
"Yes, it was."

We lay in silence for a few minutes, fingers stroking gently. When he spoke, his accent had thickened.  
"You know, I was attracted to you from the first moment I saw you. Lying trussed up on the floor, bruising rapidly, my intended targets about to slaughter me mercilessly, and my first thought? That you had a body I could really do something with."  
I smiled slightly.  
"Sounds like you."  
His mouth twitched, fingers tracing over my cheekbone.  
"It was pure lust to begin with, of course. You were so firm, skilled and handsome, strong shoulders and yet so very flexible. So I pushed my luck for a kiss and nearly wished that I had not."  
I ran a hand down his cheek, the idea of how different things would have been if he hadn't, filled my heart with a cold horror.  
"But still I was intrigued, wanted to find out just how far I could take you. Then that day in the woods…I had done that for many a man, but none trusted me in the way that you did then. I am an assassin, after all – it does not come with the territory."

I gazed into his eyes as he spoke, seeing the longing, the grief, and a pure, undying love. It was the same love I felt for him. One of my hands was still on his chest, the other circling slowly over his smooth shoulder blade.  
"You were quick-witted and cunning, and unlike some of our companions, always up for a little fun. You stood by me, you were the only person ever to consider me a friend and expect nothing in return." He paused, eyes flicking down before meeting mine, a sob barely concealed. "You were the only one who I wanted to give everything that I had."  
"Oh, Zev…"  
"I had told myself that I did not need another. I was better off alone, or so I thought. But…I could not deny that I cared about you, hated to see you so burdened. I w-wanted to help. I found that I could not imagine letting you go, no longer enjoyed being alone. I ached for your touch; for your company. In truth it scared me, but when I was with you…it did not seem to matter. I no longer cared what anyone thought so long as we could be together.  
"That day-" he stopped.  
"Which day, _bellus_?"

He swallowed, a fresh tear tracing down his cheek.  
"When we…fought the archdemon. I-I ne-nearly lost you. It seemed I had…only just f-found you and you were being ripped away from me. They took…they took you away, w- would not let me see you. I nearly k-killed one of the guards trying to get in."  
He smiled weakly and took my hand from his chest, kissing the palm softly. Then he put it back and reached out to slip his own behind my head. He wound his fingers through my hair, studying my face with those incredible almond eyes. He kissed me and I could feel his lip trembling. I kissed it more firmly, a stifled sob in my throat. He nudged his head under my chin, his arm moving round to hold me. I pressed into him, curling round his warm body, leg hooking over his. We lay together for what must have been close to an hour, one of us occasionally pulling the other closer, needing the comfort of his warmth and strength.

I closed my eyes, trying and failing to stop another tear as I pressed my lips to the top of his head. Then I did the very last thing I wanted to: pulled away from him. His hands followed me with a quiet whimper. I walked to the far wall, taking a pair of silver daggers from their hooks. Tiny rubies sparkled in the hilts. I stood for a moment, looking at them turning in my hands, going over that memory in my mind; the day I had first been given them. We had been so happy that day. I returned to Zev and showed them to him. His lips parted, horror in his eyes.  
"No, my love," he pleaded. "I know of a poison. It will be quicker, painless."  
"You gave me these on my birthday. One bought, one stolen." I looked into his face. "Please."  
He nodded mutely, still staring at the blades. I sat on the edge of the bed, placing one on the bedside table. I ran a thumb along the edge of the other. Before I could change my mind, I handed it to Zev. He reached out, shaking fingers closing round the hilt.  
"You…you are sure?"  
"Yes."

He pushed himself back slowly until he was sitting in the middle of the bed, resting his back on the pillows. Deadened eyes fixed on the weapon that was twisting in his hands. I knelt between his legs and leant forward, my mouth hovering over his. I touched my palm to his chest.  
"That's me. In your heart. Listen to it and…and you'll hear me."  
I kissed him, my tongue caressing his warm mouth gently. I ran my hands over his body, feeling soft golden hair, smooth skin, familiar lean muscles. I knew every inch of that beautiful body.

I buried my face in his neck, breathing in that comforting smell of warm spices and leather. Finding the strength I needed to do this.  
"I would never have changed this," I whispered. "Not if it meant never finding you." I realised he was crying again. So was I.  
"Please do not leave me."  
I bit my lip against the sobs, lifting my eyes to hold his. The grief in them was heart-breaking. I cupped his cheek in my hand.  
"I will never leave you. Never. I…I promise I'll always be there for you." He nodded dumbly. "I love you, Zev."  
"Darrian…" he put his hand to my face, almond eyes looking straight into mine. "I love you."  
I touched the palm of my hand to the tattoo on his left hip.  
"_Infinitio_."  
He whimpered. Then he pressed forward suddenly, his mouth meeting mine as his hand found the same marking on my right hip.  
"_Infinitio_."

Taking a last shuddering breath, I gazed into his streaming eyes. We kissed fiercely one last time. Our tears mingled, leaving salty trails down our faces. Then I turned, sitting between his legs, resting my head back on his chest. The memory of his mouth still lingered on my lips. I wanted to die with his taste in my mouth, his scent in my lungs. His heart was racing; his breath hitched and another sob choked its way from his throat. His left hand reached round me and took mine, our fingers locking tightly together as he hugged me to him. Slowly, he lifted the dagger he was still holding. It glinted in the moonlight. The blade hovered in front of me, shaking in his hand. He couldn't do this alone. I closed my eyes and pressed my head back into his chest. I inhaled, his smell surrounding me. I could remember all the good times we had shared together: sparring at camp, the first time we had had sex, seeing him walk through the door after the final battle. Getting drunk together in Antivan inns. The secrets we had told, passion we had shared, the jokes, the laughter. The love.

I took a steadying breath, focussing on his smell, his breathing, his heartbeat. Then I reached out, covering the slender hand that held the knife with my own. I guided it forward until the tip of the dagger rested between my ribs, angled towards my heart. Then I let go. He didn't want me to have to do this myself. I let my hand move down to hold his smooth thigh, stroking it with a thumb. I whispered to him.  
"I will wait for you."  
For a moment he did nothing. He just breathed, trying to control himself. When he spoke, his steady voice was thick with fear and grief.  
"I will find you, _amor_."

His hand moved swiftly. By the time I felt the dagger pierce my skin it had already reached my heart. His hand was strong in mine. His heart beat fast; his body was warm. Darkness washed over me, and the last thing I was aware of was the smell of leather, and warm spices.


End file.
